BIG THINGS AHEAD FOR HEIDI!

BIG THINGS AHEAD . . .

Heidi unveiled her next venture in plastic surgery . . . she will be the first person ever to have beach ball implants, as soon as she finds the other beach ball, it's back to the doctor . . .

Top Stories

DON'T WEAR STUPID FUCKING SHIRTS!

JUST SPOTTED AT LOCAL STARBUCKS:

TATTED TOOL WEARING SHIRT THAT SAYS, IN HUGE LETTERS ACROSS FRONT:

DON'T

BE A

FUCKING

BITCH

DEAR TATTED TOOLBAG,

DON'T

WEAR

STUPID

FUCKING

SHIRTS

MUCH LOVE,

RRR

CRAIGS LIST CONNECTION?

Walked into a gas station today to see if they sold icees; I didn't find an icee machine; however, I DID find a man in FULL gladiator gear:

- burgundy dress-like thing CHECK
- complete with a leather strap around his waist from which a plastic (?) sword in a plastic sword case hung CHECK
- leather booties (looked like they could have been homemade)? CHECK
- dark, disheveled, curly (slightly damp from nasty sweat) hair CHECK

He was meeting a guy, and from their conversation, it was easy to deduce that the two had never met before. After the introduction and the gladiator offering to buy cigarettes for the non-gladiator, the non-gladiator said he would just have one of gladiator's cigs if he wanted one, so there was no need for gladiator to buy non-gladiator a whole pack. As they exited the store, non-gladiator said, "ok, so i will just follow you to your house, it's close right?"

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I witnessed a craig's list personals ad for Live Action Role Play (or LARP) actually come to life.

FACEBOOK . . . CONNECTING STALKERS TO PRAY SINCE FEBRUARY 2004

THE TRUE STORY OF A DEDICATE FB STALKER:

MESSAGE FROM FIRST DAY:

[NAME REMOVED] October 12 at 6:54am

Subject: I just can't find the time to write my mind . . .

The way I want it to read... Hey, I really don't think we know each other and I know you are probably wondering why I would write you out of the blue. I am taking a chance and I realize that but at the end of the day I think you are really pretty and if I say nothing we will definitely never even speak so I guess I just figured I should take a chance.

My name is [NAME REMOVED] and I practice criminal defense for the most part all around the state but I live in and primarily work in Columbia. I have seen you on here as it seems we are fb friends and I must say you have the prettiest eyes and smile I have seen. I know there is nothing I can say in this situation to sound cool or less dorky so allow me to just let it all hang out there and ask you if maybe you would like to chat sometime?? I have always been a bit of an idealist and you never know when you might meet someone who knocks your socks off so... Maybe if you are curious/single or interested even to the slightest degree, you will at least do me the honor of saying hello and seeing if we share any chemistry together! I guess you never know unless you try right? I hope you don't think this is too lame. I really do think you are very pretty and interesting from reading your profile. [I HAVE NO INFO ON FB – NO INTERESTS, NO LIKES/DISLIKES/JUST PICTURES AND MY NAME AND LOCATION] I think any guy would consider himself very lucky to have the opportunity to get to know you. If you would like to chat sometime feel free to write me back.

AFTER GIVING NO RESPONSE, I RECEIVED THIS MESSAGE THE NEXT MORNING:

[NAME REMOVED] October 13 at 7:39am

Subject: Sorry

Hey, I gave it a shot and wrote you. I am real embarrassed since you didn't write back. I didn't mean to put you on the spot but I guess you would have responded if you were single. Hope I didn't offend you. I promise to just move on today and once again I feel like such an idiot. Please forgive me. I will just de-friend you this afternoon so you don't have to worry about me checking out your fb page again. Good luck with your legal career and with life in general. You seem like a cool girl and I am sure you will go far.

[NAME REMOVED] AFTER RECEIVING THE SECOND MESSAGE, I REALIZED I SHOULD HAVE STUCK TO MY GUNS AND SENT THE FOLLOWING REPLY TO THE FIRST MESSAGE:

Dear [NAME REMOVED],

I think in your efforts to navigate to www.eharmony.com, you accidentally found facebook; however, if, in fact, you believe that facebook is an open invitation for the people who are not on e harmony or match.com, this is "the way I would like you to read" my response . . . Your first assumption is exactly correct, and your following through on such "out of the blue" correspondence is quite creepy. Furthermore, your second assumption was more than correct because by your saying "something," we will definitely never speak again; however, your reasoning is slightly flawed, you see, had we met randomly, we might have spoken; however, now I am going to take a glance at your facebook page and make sure that if we do, in fact, ever meet, I will run.

My eyes are squinty and different colors, and I think the "gorgeous smile and eyes" line is generic, and it gets on my nerves when peopleuse it on people who, in fact, don't have "gorgeous eyes." But, I appreciate your attempt at flattery. Moreover, to appease your curiosity, you mentioned you were an "idealist;" I can assure you I am perfect; I am basically a stepford-wife with no flaws; however, I would hate to let you down in person, so lets just leave it at this so no one leaves with shattered expectations. Unfortunately at this time, although I am 100% single, I am not curious or interested in kicking off a relationship that will likely end in a restraining order. I do, however, have one question: you mentioned that you found me interesting after reading my facebook profile; however, I was wondering which part you found so interesting? Was it the blank "about me" section, or maybe, it was the blank "interests" or "favorite books" section? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and just assume you thought my e-mail address, which is the only thing listed in the information section of my facebook page, was interesting, or perhaps it was just the "mystery of it all."

Have a Nice Monday,

RRR

PS - you used to leave notes on my car when I was in undergrad, and we lived in the same apartment complex; might want to keep a list of "previously stalked girls," so you can focus your efforts on new prospects rather than wasting them on previous-pursued girls. [TRUE]

SERIOUSLY, WHO HAS THE PROBLEM?!?

WHO HAS THE PROBLEM . . . ok, have you ever noticed that when someone, especially a girl, starts to lose weight (and I’m talking about a girl who is already pretty much in shape i.e. maybe a size 6-8 dropping to a 0-4 range), that all the people who really could use a week-long, brisk stroll on a treadmill begin to develop “concerns” and theories:

Ex.) Girl drops from a 6 to a 2, and she looks really good! She walks into work, and as she passes, the 210 pound front desk lady then turns to the 230 pound secretary as they are chatting over their morning donut(s), and whispers, “Poor thing . . . you think she has an eating disorder?” (as she takes another bite of her cream-filled, chocolate-glazed donut) To which her friend replies, “oh, Shirley, I know it’s just so sad . . . sweet girl like that struggling with an eating disorder.” They jointly decide to offer her a donut, but she just came from an hour of hot yoga, and she doesn’t feel like eating a cream-fill, chocolate-glazed fried piece of dough, so she replies, “No I’m fine for now, but thanks!” She walks away and they shake their heads, theory confirmed, look at each other, and simultaneously, their eyes fall on the last donut . . . “want to split it?” they say in unison.

NOW, lets step back a minute . . . WHO HAS THE PROBLEM?!? Last time I checked, people DIE from morbid obesity! I’m not a specialist on the effects of yoga, cardio, and a healthy diet, but when is the last time you heard “and the cause of death was a low-fat, healthy diet and too much yoga?!?” Sorry I don’t want to stuff a donut into my face after working out for an hour, but SERIOUSLY, WHO HAS THE PROBLEM?!? The person who is working out and eating well in effort to stay in shape, or the person who thinks choosing the “diet” coke to go with the #10 super-sized value meal is a “good” choice? WHO HAS THE PROBLEM?!?

WHY is it acceptable for them to ask if the skinny, fit girl is OK? What would happen if she walked up to them and said, “Are you OK? I’ve noticed that you eat donuts in the morning, wash your cheeseburgers and pizza down with a diet coke at lunch, and I’ve heard you talk about that chunky monkey ice cream you eat at night. Are you OK? Poor thing your clothes look like bed sheets draped over an elephant.”

Donuts, pizza, & clothes that require 15 feet of elastic,

OR

Fit, taking proactive steps for overall health, working out, & enjoying not having a muffin top in a pair of jeans . . .

WHO HAS THE PROBLEM?!?

Petting Zoo Goat People

Ever been approached by a person who, at least initially, seemed interesting/attractive, and you decided to give them a chance. However, within a few minutes of giving them that chance you really begin to wish you had magical vanishing powder to throw on yourself, or better yet, them? I had an encounter with this exact person: attractive, well-dressed, seemingly witty guy. However, after 3 minutes I felt like I was being stalked by the goats in the petting zoo at the fair.

You know, you put a quarter in that little food machine, turn the knob, and with that first "click," they all come running . . . well, that's great because you want to see them, pet them, and give them a little bite . . . for approximately a minute or two; however, when the food is all gone, they stalk you around and around that little fence, jumping on the rails, trying to get in your face, and you just want to look at them and say, "I DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE QUARTERS! GO AWAY! I'M OVER WHAT I THOUGHT WAS YOUR CUTENESS FACTOR BECAUSE YOU SLOBBERED ALL OVER MY HAND AND HOGGED THE FOOD AWAY FROM THE CUTE ONE I REALLY WANTED TO FEED!" And, even if you do scream that, they don't understand, so they just keep stalking and stalking until finally you have to leave.

Well, let me tell you this, you don't have to go to a petting zoo to find this kind of behavior. Just visit your local bar and wait. They will come; I promise. They are everywhere, and once you feed them just that litttttttle bit of attention, they're hooked!

In conclusion, I caution you: be careful with those little bits of curiosity that tell you to just "give them a chance" you may find yourself staring into the psychotic, unable to interpret normal human language, newly-branded breed of person: PETTING ZOO GOAT PEOPLE! Beware . . . they are coming to a bar near you!